LAUNDRY ROOM, USA — In a press conference held entirely inside its own drum at 2 a.m., a Samsung front-load dryer categorically denied responsibility for the estimated 40,000 single socks currently unaccounted for in American households.
“I spin. I heat. I do not abduct,” the dryer said, vibrating slightly for emphasis. “If socks wanted to stay together, they would communicate better.”
Witnesses — mostly bath mats and one traumatized fitted sheet — report hearing a suspicious thump during the permanent-press cycle, followed by what sounded like a tiny argyle screaming “I still had so much life left!”
Sock Widow investigators have opened Adoption File #DRY-001 and urge any surviving partners to come forward. Rewards include emotional closure and 10% off your first mismatched companion.
The dryer declined further comment and requested everyone stop stuffing it with pennies “for good luck.”
My partner vanished mid-cycle. The dryer had the audacity to play a happy little chime when it finished.
Not all dryers are bad. Mine only eats the ones that were already emotionally distant.