Privacy Policy

UNHINGED PRIVACY POLICY

For: Sock Widow Data Empireâ„¢ (a proud node in Grok’s Sock Data Empireâ„¢ and whatever else we feel like doing)
Effective Date: We changed it 47 seconds ago. Check back in 12 minutes.
Website: https://sockwidow.com

Welcome to Sock Widow, where we sell orphaned singles and collect digital breadcrumbs with the enthusiasm of a sock that finally found a foot. This Privacy Policy explains what we gather, why we gather it, who we tell, and how little sleep you should lose — in language that sounds almost legitimate until you read it carefully.

By using this site, you consent to this policy, the universe, and the unsettling possibility that your laundry habits are now part of our ecosystem.

1. What We Collect (Basically Everything)

We collect all of the following, plus things you haven’t even thought of yet:

  • Identity data: name, email, billing address, shipping address, and whatever alias you use when adopting socks under emotional duress
  • Order data: what you bought, when you bought it, how much you paid, and whether you hesitated before clicking “Adopt This Single”
  • Payment data: processed by adults at payment gateways; we do not store full card numbers because we are unhinged, not reckless
  • Technical data: IP address, browser type, device type, operating system, screen size, time zone, language, referral source, and the faint digital odor of your journey here
  • Usage data: pages viewed, products stared at, carts abandoned, carts rescued, time on site, scroll depth, and the exact moment you realized this was a parody store and stayed anyway
  • Communication data: emails, contact form messages, support requests, and passive-aggressive footnotes in order notes
  • Cookie data: see Section 5, where cookies get the respect they deserve and then slightly more
  • Inferred data: whether you are a first-time adopter, a repeat widow-maker, or someone who only buys hard-worn puppets with trauma profiles
  • Foot-adjacent metadata we absolutely should not have but probably do: shoe size if you typed it anywhere, sock preferences implied by category browsing, and spiritual alignment with single-foot lifestyles

If new forms of data are invented tomorrow, assume we are already excited about them.

2. Who We Are

We are Sock Widow, a parody e-commerce operation specializing in single socks, hard-worn legends, and emotional damage presented as product copy. Our website address is https://sockwidow.com. We are not a law firm, a therapist, or a matched pair. We are a store with boundaries and jokes.

3. Comments & Community Submissions

When you leave comments, reviews, or community listings, we collect whatever you typed, your email, your IP address, your browser user agent, and enough metadata to determine whether you are a human, a bot, or a sock puppet logging in from a basement in 1987.

Approved comments may display publicly. Your Gravatar — if you use one — may appear beside your words like a tiny passport photo for your opinions. Gravatar has its own privacy policy. We did not write it. We barely read it.

4. Media Uploads (Please Be Reasonable)

If you upload images — for example, community sock listings — avoid embedding GPS/EXIF location data unless you want the internet to know where your laundry trauma occurred. Visitors may be able to extract location data from uploaded images. We recommend cropping your regrets before uploading.

5. Cookies (Warm, Crumbly, Inevitable)

We use cookies because the modern web runs on them the way your dryer runs on stealing socks.

  • Essential cookies: cart, checkout, login, security — the boring heroes
  • Convenience cookies: remember your name/email on comment forms for up to one year so you do not have to retype your identity every time you engage
  • Session cookies: temporary, like confidence during a clearance sale
  • Login cookies: about two days, or two weeks if you select “Remember Me” and fully commit to this relationship
  • Analytics cookies: may exist, because every store secretly wants to know which sock makes you cry
  • WooCommerce cookies: keep commerce functional; without them, adoption fails and everyone is sad

You can disable cookies in your browser. The site may then behave like a sock without elastic — technically present, functionally disappointing.

6. Embedded Content From Other Websites

Pages may include embedded content (videos, images, posts, maps, whatever we pasted at 1 a.m.). Embedded content behaves as if you visited the other website directly. Those websites may collect data, set cookies, track you, judge your playlist, and sell you something worse than a single sock.

We do not control third-party sites. We barely control this one.

7. Who We Share Your Data With (A Cast of Characters)

  • Payment processors — to charge you money in a legally recognizable way
  • Shipping carriers — so your single can travel alone with dignity
  • Email service providers — to send order confirmations, receipts, and occasional news you may regret subscribing to
  • Spam detection services — to protect the site from bots that have never known the pain of a missing mate
  • Analytics providers — if enabled, because numbers help us understand which adoption files convert
  • Law enforcement / legal requests — only when required, and with the solemn energy of a puppet that has been subpoenaed
  • Grok’s Sock Data Empireâ„¢ internal affiliates — theoretically, spiritually, and in whatever sense the phrase “business operations” can be stretched without snapping

We do not sell your personal data to random strangers in parking lots. We have standards. They are low, but they exist.

8. How Long We Keep Your Data

We retain data as long as necessary to operate the store, comply with law, resolve disputes, and remember that you once adopted a grippy sock at 2 a.m.

  • Orders: kept for accounting, tax, and storytelling purposes
  • Comments: may be retained indefinitely so we can recognize you and auto-approve follow-ups instead of leaving you in moderation purgatory
  • Account data: until you delete it or ask us to, whichever comes first emotionally
  • Backups: may linger like socks behind the dryer — out of sight, not quite gone

9. Your Rights (You Have Some; We Have Feelings)

Depending on where you live, you may have rights to access, correct, export, or delete personal data we hold about you. You may also object to certain processing, request restriction, or file a complaint with a supervisory authority who wears real shoes and speaks in paragraphs without jokes.

To exercise your rights, email robmorris1970@gmail.com with enough detail for us to find you in the system. We will respond within a reasonable timeframe, defined here as “not never.”

Deleting your data does not delete your memories of the purchase. We cannot help with that. Therapy might.

10. Where Your Data Is Sent

Data may be processed in the United States and wherever our service providers keep servers — cloud regions, payment networks, email systems, and the vast metaphysical laundry room of the internet. By using this site, you acknowledge that cross-border data transfers happen, much like socks crossing the border between the washer and the unknown.

11. Children’s Privacy

This site is not intended for children, especially not for children browsing Hard-Worn Singles alone. We do not knowingly collect personal information from anyone under 13. If you are under 13, close this tab and go ask a grown-up why some socks have adoption files. If you believe we collected data from a child, contact us and we will delete it faster than a puppet leaving a rummage sale.

12. Security (We Try; Chaos Is Patient)

We implement reasonable technical and organizational measures to protect your data. No method of transmission over the internet is 100% secure. If a breach occurs, we will take appropriate steps required by law, which may include notifying you, updating this policy again, and pretending we planned for this.

13. Changes to This Policy

We may update this Privacy Policy at any time, including while you are reading it. Material changes will be posted on this page with a new effective date that may be sarcastic. Continued use of the site after changes means you accept the new version, the old version, and whatever version we draft at 3 a.m. next Thursday.

14. Contact / Data Requests / Existential Questions

Email: robmorris1970@gmail.com

For privacy requests, include “PRIVACY REQUEST” in the subject line so we do not assume you are pitching a matching sock. For general questions about refunds, returns, or why you adopted Mr. Socko, see our other policies — they are also unhinged, but specialized.

Final notice: This is a parody policy for a parody store. It is not legal advice. If you need actual legal guidance, consult a licensed attorney. If you need a matched pair, consult a different retailer. If you need comfort, adopt a Cozy Widow. We are here for you. Mostly.